


All Hail The Radioactive Man-Child

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: The Dustbin of History [7]
Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Absurd, Catharsis, Gen, Parody, fuck that guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:34:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: oh god please let it all be over soon waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Relationships: Donald Trump/Reality
Series: The Dustbin of History [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007061
Kudos: 4





	All Hail The Radioactive Man-Child

The phone rang, and it looked plain as day that the gaggle of right-wing hacks at Fox & Friends really didn’t want to answer it. Steve Douche-y put on his big boy glasses to look smart, and sighed.

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Stephen! How are you, boy? Got that camp plan ready for me?”

Steve Douche-y blinked slowly, until he figured out that Trump had him mixed up with Miller the Snake.

“Uh, sir, you must have quite the camping vacation planned after you win re-election! (Right?)” He wiped a bead of sweat off of his temple, convinced that he’d saved the day. Trump only dug the hole deeper.

“No, Stephen, you fuckin’ IDIOT, I’m talking about the FEMA death camps you were wanting to set up. Turns out, we need to fill them with Democrats, pronto!”

“Ahem,” said Ainsley Earhardt, to the rescue. “You mean the _anti_ -death camps, where everyone will get miracle cures to protect them from COVID?” Her voice was authoritative, yet her demeanor was pleasant. But then you’d expect Satan to seduce you wearing his Sunday best, know what I mean? Oh jeez, that explains why all those evangelicals voted for him…

“Who’re you, toots?” asked Trump, in an encapsulation of a pure distillation of the conservative penchant for sexism. I mean, Trump is just the terminal phase of the disease, this shit was a long time coming, folks.

Just then Brian Kilmeade fluttered his eyes, signaling he was awake. He’d perfected sleeping with his eyes open back in grade school, which explains why he’s dumber than a fifth grader. “After these messages, we’ll be right back,” he murmured, like a mirror-world version of the Saturday-morning cartoon commercial breaks you grew up with as a child. Yes, they even reached back into your childhood to ruin that, too.

***

Trump hung up the phone on the coatrack behind him. It fell to the floor with a clatter, but he’d forgotten about it before it had even hit the ground.

“I still got it,” he muttered, before shouting at his secretary to pick him up some Mickey D’s. He failed to notice that his secretary was missing.

“What are the polls like? UP! They’re up and up and up! Wow, I really beat this shit. Wasn’t I like, high-risk or something? Pssh, shows what the doctors know. Nothing! And I know everything! Shit, where’s Ivanka? I could really use a fat massage…No! I’m not fat! I’m big-boned! And big-bonered! Huge! My cock is huge! Like my hands! I fucking love telling that joke! I told it to Howard, oh how he laughed!”

He stopped abruptly, his mind going blank. After a few minutes, his mouth started (barely) working again.

“Can’t wait for the next rally. I should ask some young chicks to meet me in the dressing room. If they show up there, must mean they say yes! Don’t have to ask! They’ll love me! Just like Ivanka! Oh—"

***

Ivanka watched her dread father through the glass of the observation window. His ramblings had long been incoherent word salads, but this time was different. Even she felt something in her gilded, empty heart.

“He can barely talk,” she whispered, and her siblings nodded. Eric and Donnie, Jr. looked grim-faced. Tiffany was heartbroken, after having sold her soul to get back into The Family, only for it to be revealed that the fortune was as phantom as the hallucinations Daddy Dearest was now experiencing. And Barron couldn’t even be bothered to show up, having run off to hang out with Claudia Conway, because this is a fanfic and I gotta ship _somebody_ , god damn it. Meanwhile, outside the hospital bunker the Trumps were holed up in, the trending Tweet of the day was one comparing the present situation to Gollum falling into the lava at the end of _The Return of the King_ : “What do you know! @Evil always destroys itself! #ByeTrump, #schadenfraude.”


End file.
